The Humor Portfolio
In the Google search box above, type: weapons of mass destruction. And then click, I'm Feeling Lucky...
Up In Smoke
"In Canada, the courts recently ruled that patients suffering
from AIDS, cancer and other diseases were entitled to enjoy the benefits of
'medical marijuana' - and not just any old marijuana, but official government
marijuana, supplied to them by Health Canada, the government health system. .
. . Of the first 10 patients to be supplied with the government weed, half
claim it's the worst pot they've ever smoked. They're sending it back to
Ottawa, and they want a full refund.
"...One reason I'm in favour of small government is because there's hardly anything the government doesn't do worse than anybody else who
wants to give it a go. . . . But when the government of a G-7 nation can't run a small marijuana sideline as well as a college student with a window box, that seems to set an entirely new standard for official underperformance."
---Columnist Mark Steyn
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Q. A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
Q. A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
Q. A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100.
Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C",
the cost of production, contains 20 fewer
points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset
of set "M" and answer the following question: "What is
the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?"
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut
down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Anderson determine that her
profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.
La cuesta de production es...
Electrocuted Man Rises From the Dead
ALMATY (Reuters) - A Kazakh man who was electrocuted and buried shocked his friends and family by turning up for his own funeral feast
The man was wrapped in a cloth shroud according to Muslim tradition and buried in a shallow grave after apparently dying while trying to steal power cables in eastern Kazakhstan, local media reported Wednesday.
But two days later he regained consciousness and rose naked from the ground, Express K daily said. The paper said he had difficulty flagging down a vehicle to take him home.
Train Strikes Man; Kills Him Instantly
Oxnard--A 26 year-old man trying to encourage others to go to church was fatally struck by an Amtrak passenger train Sunday morning, police said.
Manuel M. Lopez, III was riding with another man in a car near Oxnard Boulevard and Cooper Street. Lopez, a member of Victory Outreach Church, got out of the car at about 7:30 a.m. to talk to acquaintances, said Oxnard Police Sgt. Bob Thomas.
"He was apparently talking to people, trying to get them to go to church," Thomas said. "For unknown reasons, he didn't see or hear the train, and he was struck and killed by the train."
Authorities said Lopez died instantly after being hit by the southbound Amtrak train in the 100 block of Oxnard Boulevard.
---Daily News, 7/12/99
The Stella Awards
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful
lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates:
1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.
3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
How to Tell when you're In LA
Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings...and none are visible.
You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked to hear 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and is named Breeze.
You can't remember ... is pot illegal?
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest Arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise facility and tofu takeout.
You're thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between aromatherapy and conversational Mandarin.
Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.
Gas costs 50 cents a gallon more than anywhere else in the United States.
A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.You don't notice.
A woman walks on the bus with live poultry. You don't notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 in the morning at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
The gym is packed at 3pm...on a work day.
If one more relative from back home asks you to take them to Disneyland, Universal Studios and a drive through Beverly Hills to see Julia Roberts' house, you're going to vomit.
The work day starts at 10am...or whenever you get out of your therapy session.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay Cosmetic Lady is a guy in drag.
It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH'99" You call 911 and they put you on hold.
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:30 Tae-bo class.
Your paperboy has a two picture deal.
The three hour traffic jam you just sat thru wasn't caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door burst open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, ordered five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, took their order over and sat down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
Soon three more blondes arrived, ordered
their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more
blondes showed up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51
days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with the
picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle
and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any
longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed childs
puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asked
one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. At the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in JUST 51 DAYS!"
These quotes are taken from resumes and cover letters that
appeared in an
earlier issue of Fortune Magazine:
1) "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2) "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3) "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4) "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5) "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6) "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7) "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8) "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9) "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10) "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
11) "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12) "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13) "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14) "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15) "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16) "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17) "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18) "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
19) "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
20) "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21) "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22) "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23) "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
24) "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25) "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26) "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
.... and what better accompaniment for quotes from real
quotes from actual performance evaluations:
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4) "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10) "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Four friends were so confident about their Final Exams,
that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some
friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They came up with the excuse that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth only 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational"
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners...
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Courses Now Available for Men:
Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the
Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In
the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
Electronics Came In
Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run
Out of Toilet Paper!
Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to
Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your
Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten"
Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under
the "Action/Adventure" Category
Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
"I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't
Mean You Can Fix It
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